Dear Racist Fucks,
Let me start off by
saying I mean no offence by the opening, it’s just my understanding that the
collective noun for racists is fucks. This is intended to be a peaceful letter,
so I hope I haven’t gotten off on the wrong foot.
Recently on Facebook, I saw a post by
one of your fellow fucks. The picture was that of a war ship firing it’s
cannons with the text “what asylum seekers?” I posted a response saying that I
found the picture disgusting and was informed by a different fuck that the post
was in fact “a joke”. Upon revisiting the picture with this new information I
realized how silly I’d been to take offense in the first place. This is clearly
a funny joke; it’s a boat, allegedly blowing up people for being desperate and
daring to dream that they could have a life that didn’t involve the constant
threat of persecution. It’s hilarious, as a sometime stand-up comedian I
couldn’t write a joke as hilarious as blowing up a boat full of innocent people
for simply wanting the quality of life I was born with. I can see some of the
more politically correct of you looking uncomfortable, but you guys just need
to lighten up.
I was then able to witness what I
assume was an educational seminar on why I too should be a racist. I learnt
that racism has a high correlation with poor spelling and grammar, and thought
perhaps racists wanted foreigners to “learn English” so that they could then
teach them or at the very least lift our literacy rates to compensate for the
fucks.
I learnt that you could say things
like “I’m not racist but asylum seekers will ruin this country” to which I say,
“this is not an insult but you’re a dickhead”.
I also learnt other things. For example,
apparently asylum seekers are potential terrorists. I thought, what with up to
90% of security checks on asylum seekers finding them to be legitimate refuges
that it was unlikely, but it seems not. Because, of course, a criminal
mastermind at a terrorist organization is going to send a key player in his
evil plan on the mode of transport that is a) the longest b) the most dangerous
and c) the one that ensures his evil doer will undergo the most background
checks upon arrival. After all he is an evil mastermind and he likes a
challenge.
Secondly, I learnt that “these people
pay thousands of dollars to come here illegally”. I didn’t know that racists
underwent financial background checks to find out how much asylum seekers were
paying. I stupidly thought that any fee paid would have been out of
desperation, but apparently not. Apparently these people are rich and that is
why they pack up everything they have to travel crammed into a rickety boat to
leave behind the life that made them rich, because honestly, who wouldn’t want
to risk life and limb to be treated like a criminal, it’s the dream right?
Thirdly, “these people hate this
country” which surprised me considering they allegedly spent thousands of
dollars to get here. But apparently it’s true; people pay thousands of dollars
to leave a financially rewarding and safe life to travel on a rickety boat
across dangerous seas to a country they hate. Does that sound like the sort of
person you want living in our country?
One lady said “we take these people in
but then we keep our criminals in jail it’s disgusting” which was another
learning experience for me. You see, I was mistakenly under the impression we
locked our criminals up so that they couldn’t commit crimes against us, or for
some kind of educational tool or as a deterrent but apparently not. Apparently
it’s a space issue, which doesn’t make all too much sense, but there you go.
A lot of your fellow fucks were
religious which puzzled me, as I thought religion preached acceptance and love.
As someone who is not religious, I have not read the bible and that is
obviously where I was mistaken. Apparently the bible has “thou shall not kill”,
and “thou must love thy neighbour” with the caveat that if thy neighbor is a
foreigner then thou shall ignore the first two and blow thy neighbour up. Obviously
this was confusing, because that would mean god created foreigners simply to be
blown up by white people, which I thought would make god a bit of a sadistic
douche, but apparently he did, and it doesn’t make him a douche, so more
learning.
I learnt that all foreign women wear
the Burqa, which seemed like it would be statistically unlikely, but there you
go. I learnt that the Burqa was a potential threat because a woman wearing a
Burqa could potentially commit crimes. Even though that is something that has never
happened ever, I appreciated the concern for our safety and understand the
right to be proactive. Just because something hasn’t been used to commit a
crime yet doesn’t mean we shouldn’t prevent it happening in the future. I say,
why stop at the Burqa though? Our safety is the most important thing in the
world. Why not be more proactive and take greater measures to prevent crimes.
That is why I propose that we outlaw hands. Hands are a danger to us all. Hands
can be used to hold guns, detonate bombs, and touch people funny against their
will. In fact I’d say every crime ever in the history of the world was
committed with the use of hands. Hands can make potentially offensive gestures.
Hands are a terrible hazard and should be outlawed immediately for our safety.
I have now realized the error of my
ways and how silly I was for thinking that all people were equal and deserved
the opportunities I was lucky enough to be born with. What a chump I was. I’m
so glad you guys have taught me.
Thank you
Regards
Your new fellow fuck.
