Thank You Metro

Dear Metro,

                        I am writing this letter to thank you. Your actions forced me to look at the person I was, I didn’t like what I found and so I guess you can say you have made me a better person.

It all started a couple of months ago. In a tired rush I forgot to validate the ticket I had purchased. Luckily your friendly and understanding ticket inspectors pulled me up. With their kind and condescending attitude and their smiley faces they taught me a valuable life lesson. They only charged me the reasonable fee of $176.00 for this lesson.

At first I was surprised, as your inspectors had taught a girl in front of me the same lesson for free. Once more your gracious employees were happy to explain to me that she was shown these privileges because she had breasts. It made sense, I mean people talk of sexism and discrimination but I think these people are completely disrespectful to breasts. Breasts are good and the owners of breasts should be treated as better people, because lets face it, they have nice breasts. 

I was ashamed of myself for making a simple error, how could I do such a wicked thing? Especially when Metro make it so easy to purchase a ticket. I mean 1 in every 38 stations is manned for your convenience. Unmanned stations have amazing machines, which take 1 in every 10 notes, and if you are unlucky and your note is not accepted, then 1 in every 12 times your bank card will work. It’s like a fun game of chance really. Of course you can always play it safe and pay by coin, but make sure they are gold because the machines only accept a certain amount of coins per transaction (because we wouldn’t want a coin machine filled with coins now would we?)

I then realised perhaps I am not paying for the train ride itself but for the life experience that is riding a train. You see, you not only do a fine job in teaching people lessons on life for $176.00 and making tickets easy to acquire but you also do an outstanding job at making sure a train ride is a pleasant, entertaining and enlightening journey.

I witnessed a fight between a middle aged bogan couple. At first I was ambivalent to it and did not pay it much attention as I felt it was simply a modern mash up of Big Brother and Home and Away. Then I heard the man call his wife / girlfriend a “fucking slapper cunt”. I reveled in the charm of their argument, understanding that nowhere else would I experience such raw eloquence.

Yesterday I saw a man trying to hide in a corner whilst he urinated into an empty bottle. It may sound like an unpleasant experience but I assure you it is one that everyone should have. I watched intensely at his human struggle as he tried to ensure that his penis did not slip out of the bottle as the train moved, his determination was inspiring.

I saw a girl no older than 14 being fingered in a similar corner. I was ecstatic for the opportunity. Anywhere else in the world I would have been arrested for watching child pornography. Who knew Metro was the secret hot bed of kiddie porn? I thank you for this.

Also it was on the train that I learnt that despite headphones being a device to listen to music personally, proper etiquette is to in-fact turn that music up so loud that the rest of the train can hear. You have to share, it would be rude otherwise. If it was not for this lesson I would still be walking around with my music at a level that I can enjoy and that does not annoy others like a selfish asshole.

So I thank you Metro for giving me a place to enjoy child porn, watch bogans yell profanities and watch a man piss into a bottle. Most of all, I thank you for helping me to become a better person, if not for you I’d still think that making honest mistakes was an ok thing to do and I’d still think headphones were for me alone to listen to my music.

Regards

Anthony

My Reply to Bubble O'Bob

Dear Bubble O’Bob,

Thanks for your reply, I can’t help but noticing you never actually said no to me, perhaps you need more convincing on why we are meant to be together?

I have spent almost my whole paycheck on Bubble O'Bill's, chewing their nose imagining it was yours. Sometimes, when you aren’t on the T.V I take out a Bubble O'Bill just to stare at it, imagining it was you, my Bobby. I have attached a photo of you I made. 

I fear if I don't get a reply soon I will go broke. Bubble O’Bill’s aren’t cheap.

Those educated people, those horrible fools who try to make you sound dumb just because you say dumb things. They don’t realize you are only an asshole because god tells you to be. They don’t realize god wants you to deprive people of freedom. It is a little known fact that god actually said all men are created equal unless you are gay.

But I know this Bob. That's why I know you are stupid for god, in the same way I am stupid for Bob cock. How could I not love such a rugged ol school lump of a man.

Those smart guys, they might say that Christian's believe God made everything and they believe everything god made is good and therefore god must have made gay people and that must be good to.

They just haven’t read the bible I quote Matthew 7:12 directly when I say Do unto others as you would have others do unto you… unless they are gay, fuck those guys… but not literally.

They don't get that God made the gays so he can hate on them because god was a bit of a prick too. This might be why I am so turned on by you. By being a prick you are like God.

Despite all this I think the fact that you didn’t say no gives me hope. I have been designing shrines to you. I hope you like it. After our coffee (and by that I STILL MEAN SEX) you will see how natural gay marriage would be.

In fact maybe we can be the first gays to get married under the new laws. It’s my fairytale and a boy’s allowed to dream right. 

I know you are just playing hard to get Bobby otherwise you would have said no, you could have but you didn’t. I look forward to hearing from you again. I know you wouldn’t reply to everyone, but you did to me because we were meant to be together.

Yours faithfully

Anthony.