Thank You Metro

Dear Metro,

                        I am writing this letter to thank you. Your actions forced me to look at the person I was, I didn’t like what I found and so I guess you can say you have made me a better person.

It all started a couple of months ago. In a tired rush I forgot to validate the ticket I had purchased. Luckily your friendly and understanding ticket inspectors pulled me up. With their kind and condescending attitude and their smiley faces they taught me a valuable life lesson. They only charged me the reasonable fee of $176.00 for this lesson.

At first I was surprised, as your inspectors had taught a girl in front of me the same lesson for free. Once more your gracious employees were happy to explain to me that she was shown these privileges because she had breasts. It made sense, I mean people talk of sexism and discrimination but I think these people are completely disrespectful to breasts. Breasts are good and the owners of breasts should be treated as better people, because lets face it, they have nice breasts. 

I was ashamed of myself for making a simple error, how could I do such a wicked thing? Especially when Metro make it so easy to purchase a ticket. I mean 1 in every 38 stations is manned for your convenience. Unmanned stations have amazing machines, which take 1 in every 10 notes, and if you are unlucky and your note is not accepted, then 1 in every 12 times your bank card will work. It’s like a fun game of chance really. Of course you can always play it safe and pay by coin, but make sure they are gold because the machines only accept a certain amount of coins per transaction (because we wouldn’t want a coin machine filled with coins now would we?)

I then realised perhaps I am not paying for the train ride itself but for the life experience that is riding a train. You see, you not only do a fine job in teaching people lessons on life for $176.00 and making tickets easy to acquire but you also do an outstanding job at making sure a train ride is a pleasant, entertaining and enlightening journey.

I witnessed a fight between a middle aged bogan couple. At first I was ambivalent to it and did not pay it much attention as I felt it was simply a modern mash up of Big Brother and Home and Away. Then I heard the man call his wife / girlfriend a “fucking slapper cunt”. I reveled in the charm of their argument, understanding that nowhere else would I experience such raw eloquence.

Yesterday I saw a man trying to hide in a corner whilst he urinated into an empty bottle. It may sound like an unpleasant experience but I assure you it is one that everyone should have. I watched intensely at his human struggle as he tried to ensure that his penis did not slip out of the bottle as the train moved, his determination was inspiring.

I saw a girl no older than 14 being fingered in a similar corner. I was ecstatic for the opportunity. Anywhere else in the world I would have been arrested for watching child pornography. Who knew Metro was the secret hot bed of kiddie porn? I thank you for this.

Also it was on the train that I learnt that despite headphones being a device to listen to music personally, proper etiquette is to in-fact turn that music up so loud that the rest of the train can hear. You have to share, it would be rude otherwise. If it was not for this lesson I would still be walking around with my music at a level that I can enjoy and that does not annoy others like a selfish asshole.

So I thank you Metro for giving me a place to enjoy child porn, watch bogans yell profanities and watch a man piss into a bottle. Most of all, I thank you for helping me to become a better person, if not for you I’d still think that making honest mistakes was an ok thing to do and I’d still think headphones were for me alone to listen to my music.

Regards

Anthony

My Reply to Bubble O'Bob

Dear Bubble O’Bob,

Thanks for your reply, I can’t help but noticing you never actually said no to me, perhaps you need more convincing on why we are meant to be together?

I have spent almost my whole paycheck on Bubble O'Bill's, chewing their nose imagining it was yours. Sometimes, when you aren’t on the T.V I take out a Bubble O'Bill just to stare at it, imagining it was you, my Bobby. I have attached a photo of you I made. 

I fear if I don't get a reply soon I will go broke. Bubble O’Bill’s aren’t cheap.

Those educated people, those horrible fools who try to make you sound dumb just because you say dumb things. They don’t realize you are only an asshole because god tells you to be. They don’t realize god wants you to deprive people of freedom. It is a little known fact that god actually said all men are created equal unless you are gay.

But I know this Bob. That's why I know you are stupid for god, in the same way I am stupid for Bob cock. How could I not love such a rugged ol school lump of a man.

Those smart guys, they might say that Christian's believe God made everything and they believe everything god made is good and therefore god must have made gay people and that must be good to.

They just haven’t read the bible I quote Matthew 7:12 directly when I say Do unto others as you would have others do unto you… unless they are gay, fuck those guys… but not literally.

They don't get that God made the gays so he can hate on them because god was a bit of a prick too. This might be why I am so turned on by you. By being a prick you are like God.

Despite all this I think the fact that you didn’t say no gives me hope. I have been designing shrines to you. I hope you like it. After our coffee (and by that I STILL MEAN SEX) you will see how natural gay marriage would be.

In fact maybe we can be the first gays to get married under the new laws. It’s my fairytale and a boy’s allowed to dream right. 

I know you are just playing hard to get Bobby otherwise you would have said no, you could have but you didn’t. I look forward to hearing from you again. I know you wouldn’t reply to everyone, but you did to me because we were meant to be together.

Yours faithfully

Anthony.

Bob's teams reply

Thank-you for your comments to Bob, and may we take this opportunity to clarify his position on these matters.

Bob understands people are entitled to lead the lives they choose, and his choice to lead a life with Christian values includes his opposition to homosexuality and his support for the institution of ‘natural’ marriage and families.

Bob wants to see the Australian population grow, not diminish as in western societies where the traditional ‘pair bond’ of marriage between a man and a woman is in decline.

Bob also understands that while the issue of same sex marriage is important to some among Australia’s homosexual community, others in that same community have previously expressed their agreement with his long-held belief that there are more pressing issues facing our society as a whole.

Bob has spoken a number of times in Parliament on his Christian beliefs and stance on moral issues – in almost every speech he has made some reference to his strong held beliefs, which he considers fundamental to any kind of policy debate.

Again, we appreciate your comments, which will be taken into consideration.

Kind regards,

Bob Katter-palt I ask big Bobby for a date

Dear Mr Katter,

I have heard your address today where, when speaking about gay marriage you said “Truly this proposition deserves to be laughed at and ridiculed”. Being gay I feel like I should be offended, in fact I feel I should hate you.

But I can’t, I have tried to and I can’t. Maybe it’s the fact that you remind me of my favorite childhood Ice-cream Bubble o’Bill. I don’t know why I guess you just look like him.  In fact I wouldn’t mind chewing on your nose.

I don’t know if it’s the way you wear your cowboy hat, or how cute you get when you flair your nose and get all angry. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the way you remind me exactly what it used to mean to be a man.

They don’t make men like you anymore Bobby (can I call you Bobby?), they just don’t. Today’s young fellas are out there building informed opinions. Slaves to logic and rationality. They think about things. Sure they may be educated, but whatever happened to having a good ol’ passionate rant just because.

They may have their open minds and their compassionate world views but Bobby, they have nothing on your blind prejudice and ignorance.

Human rights may make the world a better place, but no one ever got a hard-on for fairness. It’s a strong backwards man with an inflated sense of self that extends well beyond his limits that makes my soldier stand at attention.

What ever happened to the days when a man could hate the poofs, the foreigners or anyone else they wanted - just because. Let’s face it: stats are over-rated. We all should have a right to our own opinion, and it’s our god given right to try and force that on others, regardless of how ‘informed’ they are.

For too long us poofs have been treated kindly, as if we were almost equals.. People ‘even’? What fools they are. First they took your slaves away and now they want you to treat poofs fairly. I shudder at the thought of world where people are treated fairly. Could you imagine the horror of it.

Let’s face it we all know it’s not you I am mad at it’s me. I like men. I am gay, and therefore not as good as you. Sure I may have gotten into one of the most prestigious courses in the country, I may be cultured, clever and have amazing friends. I may even be kind. Kind enough that I am able to find it in my heart to forgive you, for saying my right to celebrate love is laughable and deserves to be ridiculed. Let’s face it your right. Who cares about the above. I am gay and therefore you are better than me and so you should have the right to laugh and ridicule me.

Really I wish I could be more like you strong, passionate, ignorant and afraid. 


I know it's my fault. My lifestyle shouldn't challenge traditional ideologies, let's face it I am the one who's different. I should look after the majority and respect their right to ostracise me to uphold values systems that can't cope with people being equals. 

So I applaud you Bobby, for being strong and passionate and fighting the good fight. For being a man the way a man should be; for being the type of man that gets my juices flowing, the type of man who says ‘to hell with common-sense’, ‘to hell with fairness’, ‘to hell with people in general’. A man who says ‘I am Bob Katter and I may not know what I am talking about but my god I am going to talk’.

If it all goes well I would like to put you in my Bob Katter-pault and lets us two go sailing across the skies, a couple of ol’ school men, having ol’ school man-to-man fondling because, let’s face it, women are poofs too.

If that’s to much to ask I’d love to have a dinner with you. Share a meal and our views, hell lets call it a date. We could have a chat over some food, wine and finish the night with a coffee, what do you say?

And yes by a coffee I definitely mean sex. Gay sex. Anal gay sex

Regards

Anthony.

Bob.Katter.MP@aph.gov.au

Twisties letter

Hi, I am writing to enquire about your limited edition cheeseburger twisties product. I highly enjoyed them but seem to be unable to locate them anywhere. I have tried just about everything and have been greatly disheartened by my lack of success. I am hoping to hear that you plan to make this flavour permanent so I will never have to feel like this again. I wait with baited breathe for your reply hoping that I will soon get to enjoy another joyous experience of cheeseburger flavoured twistie product once more. I yearn for it's mustard and pickley goodness. I long for the day my taste bud and the cheeseburger twistie are reunited once more, forever. It kills me to think that I have tasted them for the last time. Without them my life will be incomplete.

The mystery of rainbow paddlepops

Dear Streets,

                    I am writing in regards to your Rainbow Paddlepop and how it has eternally scarred me. I feel I must give some background information to truly inform my complaint.

My childhood was tough. We didn't have much money. One of the only joys it brought me was your rainbow paddlepop.

I would bound home on a hot summers day anxious for the chance for your product to fill me with the endless potential of life. If I could taste a rainbow what couldn't I achieve?

Once, I even fought a boy who tried to tell me it tasted like bubblegum. I knew it tasted like rainbows. It seems we were both wrong.

Your product was so good I one day hoped to get to a real rainbow, not for the pot of gold at the bottom I just wanted the chance to like it.

I now know according to you that rainbow would simply taste of caramel.

If you must include rainbow in your marketing campaign may I suggest you at least include a warning. "Does not correlate in the slightest to the flavour of a ‘Rainbow’ and is in-fact just boring old caramel"

It will save people from having to carry the burden and heartache I fear I will suffer for the rest of my life.

No one should ever have to feel this way.

Concerned

Anthony